3-28-11 9:56 pm Child Services

A few days off work and I'm back to walking. Today we walked and walked. To the coffee shop. To the nursery. To the dry cleaners. I only did some of it. Anne went to the cleaners for me, all on her own. It's only three blocks away, and I still asked her to call me when she arrived, and again before leaving. That way I'd know if something's taking too long. She's happy to make all those calls if it means she can go by herself. Remembering to walk, in a driving world, requires forethought. And it helps if you're willing to take a few risks. In the end, I needed help. A trip to Gateway Feed & Seed was in order. We needed fence-post toppers, and landscape fabric, a wheel-barrow, and pins to hold down the fabric. Walking seemed only partly viable. How could we walk six blocks and bring home all those purchases? The wheelbarrow. So we walked. The sun shone, Anne seemed cheerful, and we soaked in the fresh air. All was well. Gateway had almost everything we needed, except the critical item: a wheelbarrow. Having walked all that way we shopped anyway. They had everything else on our list, plus a few seed packets, a new hoe and a new hand-held tiller. I wondered to myself, as I paid at the register, could we possibly get it all home? Yes, we could however the weight, the awkwardly shaped items, and the fact that I had a child in tow required a more moderate approach. We'd carry home what we could, and then come back with the car for the rest. Risk number 1: leaving the rest of our purchases at the store until we could come back and get them later. Risk 2 came later, after we got home. And so leaving home to return to the store, after just arriving, seemed anathema to me. I just couldn't make myself get in that car. Besides, Harold had arrived for lunch while we were gone, and he'd just begun to eat. It was time for family, lonely purchases waiting for me at Gateway be damned. The hour together provided plenty of time to ponder their passage to our abode. And then it came to me: the wagon! Anne could wheel her Radio Flyer wagon back to Gateway after lunch, get the rest of our items. It was big enough. Still, she'd be on her own, and this was the 2nd risk. She loved the idea! She delved into the task, made quick work of it, and was back with the rest of our things in no time. This asking for help has its rewards. Of course her assistance gave me time for other tasks, and yet there's more. Her having been able to step in, actually lend a hand all on her own, gave her a visible feeling of pride. I now wonder two things: 1 - Who out there is ready to call child services? After all, I did send my unaccompanied 11 year-old on a six-block errand with a wagon in tow. 2 - How many opportunities like this one go untapped, are left ignored, because we fail to put our kids to work? We forget to use feet. We forget to include them, with all their capabilities, in our planning. The look of pride, self-satisfaction, and joy on Anne's face when she left, and even more so when she returned, was priceless. She built character when I put her to work. In this world of convenience and instant gratification, we need more character-building experiences like that. Anne's ability to step up to the task renewed a little faith for me. Kids now-a-days can do things on their own, and they will if we give them the chance.

3-9-11 6:40 pm Biking Buddies

A first-time offer materialized today, from a friend at work. "M" asked: "Wanna bike to work with me tomorrow?" Given my work schedule, we may only end up biking home together (I like to show up pretty early) yet it's a motivator. What impact might having a partner in crime have on the frequency with which I use alternative transportation? Hopefully we'll see soon!

I'm beginning to feel the effects of a campaign. These days when friends realize I am walking or biking, rather than ask after the relative functionality of my car, they declare something like: "Oh good, you left your car at home!" They're happy for me rather than concerned. Well, maybe it's a campaign effect, or it could just be relief about the warmer temperatures. Either way it feels like support, and I'll take it! It's like the power of prayer. Somehow a communal effort toward one goal strengthens the energy behind achieving it.

3-1-11 5:36 pm Mining my Manners

Manipulation is mostly lost on me. It requires a level of scheming too complex and planful for my lifestyle. At almost 40 what I can do is figure out what I want, most of the time. This morning I wanted to faithfully carry out my "Carless Transportation" commitment, with as little effort as possible.

Biking filled the bill, and preparations felt doable: get lunch together, the hair dryer, my sneakers, work shoes and coffee. Lots of coffee. What I wanted to avoid: getting the bike off its ceiling hook in the garage, and lugging it into the house, its panniers to pack. Out of desperation to fulfill my commitment and reserve enough energy to actually pedal to school, I asked Harold to bring it in for me.

It was 5:30 a.m., and pretty cold outside. Of course he did it, because he just helps when he can. And yes, he did it grudgingly. He grunted. He sighed. He yawned broadly. I politely thanked him. Profusely thanked him. And when I discovered my rear tire low on air, he received another eye lash-batting request from me. Oh, did he struggle. The position, the air pressure, the early hour, it all oviously disagreed with him, and yet he insisted on coming to the rescue. In recognition of his efforts I did the dishes he had waiting in the sink. No offer, I just did them. And felt happy about it to too. By the time I left, his attitude turned.

As I rolled my heavily-laden bike out the door, he offered to carry it down the steps. He checked that my lights worked. He watched as I peddled off. I felt ready and energized for the ride. Because I recognized a need for help, got up the gumption to ask for it, and felt compelled enough to offer some remuneration for it that I actually did him a sizable favor, we parted ways amicably after what could easily have been a tense and difficult time.

In the past I've been more reluctant to ask for help, landing me in more trouble than I ever imagined. Building our daughter's swing set largely without his help created significant ripple effects for our relationship. Landscaping our front, side, and back yards, hauling 3 cubic yards of pea-gravel, and putting in an asparagus patch were all gestures I thought he would appreciate. He did, and he also felt some residual negativity. So did I. Can you say "resentment"? I learned quickly. And yet, working together demands a delicate balance of recognizing the efforts of another, capitalizing on one another's strengths, and knowing how to most effectively thank the other party.

In all honesty, I toddled off this morning with these words scrolling through my mind like a marquis: "She's got a man, and she knows how to use him!" The spirit being: I finally figured out the "I'll scratch your back, you scratch mine" balance in our marriage. Well, this time. Through some mysterious combination of time, experience and love, managed to mine my resources and extract exactly what we both needed. It took manners, love, appreciation, and a great deal of patience.